Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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