lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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