Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
