then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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