im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
All I want is dick and wine.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
