And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
