guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
