i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
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