think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
