the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
