My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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