I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Randomize
