the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize