He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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