Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
