my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
