We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
