theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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