Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
