Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
