the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
