I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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