He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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