The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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