he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
