babies were throwing up all over the place
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
