You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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