I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
