He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize