News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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