Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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