she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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