the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
