chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
