Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
