Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
