Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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