We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize