im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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