Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize