I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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