just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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