So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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