Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
