I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Randomize
