I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
