low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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