True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
