dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
He did a backflip because drugs
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
