There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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