Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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