My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
