I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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