You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
