My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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